When my husband and I attended our Chemo Class before I started treatments, we were told all the negative side effects that I would more than likely experience – mainly hair loss, fatigue and nausea.  As most of you know by now, I have indeed experienced all these and more.

But I have come to realize there are some benefits to this chemo journey. As I wrote last time, over the past 3 months, I have experienced a greater appreciation for others’ kindness, an acceptance of what I can and cannot do these days and an eye-opening awareness of God’s continual peace and constant presence.

Lack of Hair - Hair loss is a time saver. I don’t have to fool with fixing my hair every day – throw on a hat and I’m good to go! It also means no more shaving my under arms and legs. I still have my eyebrows but it also means no more plucking! I don’t know if I’ll be all that excited when it starts growing back!

Lack of Energy - For those who know me, know that I love naps! Because fatigue is a side effect, it can be used as a benefit because now I can nap whenever, wherever and how ever long I want and not feel guilty! It took some time to adjust to this, but now that I have, “a day without a nap is crap!”

Lack of Appetite - I’m not recommending chemo as a weight loss tool, but between lack of appetite from the nausea, dead taste buds and irritating mouth sores, I have managed to lose a few pounds.  I’m still working on stopping myself from eating empty calories that I can’t taste anyway,

I know these things sound silly – but I’ve learned that every situation and circumstance has two sides of looking at it. My family will often refer to me as a Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy - and yes, the glass is always half empty! These days I’m trying to see things from both angles and look for the benefits amidst the bad days. But for me seeing the positive takes extra effort – can you relate?

 I love this verse from Isaiah 43: 19: For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.  What new thing is God doing in your life that He wants you to see?  Don’t let the negative side effects of your situation or circumstances blind you from the pathways and rivers God wants to create in your wilderness/wasteland.

UPDATE:  My last round of the AC chemical was not nearly as bad as round 3 was - mostly just a lot of fatigue.  I start 12 weekly treatments of a new drug this Thursday, 10/17 and have been assured that the side effects will be less severe.   Tonia

 

No Pain...No Gain!

No pain...no gain. No battle..no victory. No contest...no winner. No challenge...no growth. None of these situations makes us feel comfortable, but without them our lives stay stagnant. We stay weak and self-centered. We moan and groan about our problems, and never learn the lessons they are meant to teach us.

Through this cancer journey, I have not experienced a lot of physical pain, mostly mental and emotional - but through it I have gained a whole lot more than an occasional down day. I have gained a new appreciation, acceptance and awareness of many things:

Appreciation...
There aren’t enough words to express our gratitude to all the people we know, and don’t know, who are praying for and supporting our family. It has been overwhelming to me to hear from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years. Friends I went to high school with 30+ years ago have contacted me and shared their own stories of battles and victories. Friends from college,former churches and schools have reached out. Facebook “friends” I have never met are a daily encouragement. The dear women from our church who have delivered meals on days when cooking is the last thing I want to do and those who gathered together to pray and make a beautiful fleece shawl for me. Those who have used their gifts and talents to make me thoughtful gifts as reminders of their love. Then there are those friends and family who are raising money to run/walk in events this month in my honor. And of course the friends/family I’ve had throughout my life are a constant source of strength! The list is endless. I appreciate you ALL!!

I thank my God every time I remember you. - Philippians 1:3

Acceptance...
Not quite as easy as appreciation but just as important. I’ve come to accept that “for such a time as this” I can’t do all that I was used to doing. My physical strength comes and goes – so I have to plan my activities based on my chemo schedule. Like I tell people, when I feel bad, I feel bad BUT when I feel good, watch out! I’m not able to serve the women of my church as I have in the past BUT I know there is an awesome team that has stepped up to take my place. I’ve gained a new perspective of a verse I never wanted to obey until I was forced to:

Be still, and know that I am God... - Psalm 40:10a

Awareness...
Of course the biggest gain is the awareness of God’s continual peace and constant presence. There are times when I have to remind myself of this on a daily basis. There are times when I feel like I’m fighting this battle all alone (on those pity-party days!) But I was reminded today in a book a friend gave me, Grace for Each Hour, that “the battle against your cancer does not belong to you; it doesn’t even belong to your doctors. It belongs to God. It may have formed an army against you, but His Son already defeated it for you on the Cross.”

This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because
of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.’ - 2 Chron. 20:15

Don’t let the pain of your life keep you from gaining.... a new appreciation for the people in your life,an acceptance of the things you cannot change and an awareness of WHO is fighting your battles!!

UPDATE: I enjoyed Chemo #4 yesterday - 10/3. I had quite a rough response to #3 and will be preparing for the same this time. Beginning 10/17, I will start 12 weekly treatments of a less powerful drug and I've been promised the side effects are much milder:)Thanks for your prayers. Tonia

I'm Losing More Than Just My Hair...

The inevitable was happening...my hair was starting to fall out and it was time to go wig shopping. I chose to have my head shaved and it wasn't as traumatic as I thought it would be - it's not like I had long, flowing hair to begin with. My girls had fun trying out my new hair piece! My daughter, Denae (lower right) had 10 inches of her beloved hair donated to women battling cancer :)

So what else have I been losing - maybe even more difficult than my hair?...My pride. I have always known I was a proud person (ouch!). Being self-sufficient and independent were qualities I found others admired in me. Being strong, focused and dependable were virtues I wanted people to see in me. But these are slowly being taken away.

The other day I posted a quote by Max Lucado on Facebook that I didn't really think that closely about until people started commenting on it.

"The circumstances we ask God to change are often the circumstances God is using to change us." 

I know God is using my cancer "circumstances" to change me - in ways I wasn't expecting, but were definitely necessary. One of the biggest areas is that of allowing people to pray for me. I know that must sound so arrogant - who doesn't appreciate prayer? But to a proud person, we sometimes feel we don't really need any extra intervention, we've got it covered - just me and God is enough.

I am finding that I am SO appreciative to those who tell me they are praying for me and my family...some people I don't even know personally. I was told by my doctor that this battle is so much more than physical, it's a mental battle. This is so true and so hard.

As I've said, I want to continue to be an encouragement as you join me in the journey. Maybe there's a circumstance in your life that God is keeping there in order to change you. Don't try to fight it. Accept it as His way of showing His goodness to you and His love for you.

Will you join me in praying with expectation? As some of you know, we recently found that the cancer has spread to my liver which puts me at Stage 4. My chemo treatments have been adjusted and my doctor feels that remission is in the near future. I am having a total body bone scan this Friday, 9/13 at 12 noon to see if the cancer is in my bones - and I must say, I'm feeling a little anxious.

So putting my pride aside, I am asking for your prayers. I am believing that God wants to use this "circumstance" to do more for me, in me and through me. I have been disappointed, but I can't give up on Him. He understands my weaknesses, which is why He treasures my faith so greatly. So today I am praying, waiting and expecting..... Thanks! Tonia

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

I Don't Like Being Squeezed!

As I begin this journey into the unknown of cancer treatment, I'm finding things I don't like. I don't like feeling so tired and lifeless. I don't like wondering how the next round of chemo will affect me differently. But, what I'm really learning is that I don't like being squeezed!

I recently read that just as there is a condition known as "post-traumatic stress", researchers are now talking about "post-traumatic growth." One line of thinking is that adversity can lead to growth. Another is that the highest levels of growth cannot be achieved without adversity.

But adversity doesn't automatically bring growth. Much of the outcome depends on how you respond to adversity. Just as you find out what's inside a tube of toothpaste when it gets squeezed, adversity reveals what you're made of. Sometimes we say, "I could never go through what that person went through." Then we go through it and realize - our heart keeps beating and our world goes on.

You don't know what you're capable of until you have to cope.

As I continue to be squeezed, I pray what comes out will be an encouragement to others. A message of hope that good and growth can come from adversity. A realization that rising to a challenge reveals hidden strengths within us that otherwise would have remained dormant.

More importantly though is that I, along with others being squeezed, recognize that the key to post-traumatic growth is in seeing God in all things, drawing close to Him when we can't understand the situation, and knowing He only has our best interests at heart.

"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity....No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us."
(Romans 3: 35a,38)

My Prayer Was a Hazard to My Health!

Have you ever prayed for something, then wished you hadn't? I recently read (and highly recommend) The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. It opened my eyes to the purpose and power of prayer. I came to realize (what I already knew in my heart) that I was tired of being a witness to other people's "only God" experiences. I wanted my own. I wanted to know that God was willing and able to prove Himself real in my own life. I wanted to experience my own miracles. So I prayed a dangerous prayer....


I prayed that God would do whatever He needed to do in my life in order for me to see... That He was real. That He was in control. Specific things He wanted me to know about Him. Things that needed to change in order for our relationship to be stronger. Things I needed to let go of. That He held my future in His hands. A "God only" experience that couldn't be explained by coincidence and that would ultimately bring Him glory.

On June 18, 2013 I was diaganosed with Stage 2 Breast Cancer. My dangerous prayer had been answered. My response was not "Why me?" but "This is really going to mess up my plans for the next six months!" Then I remembered what I had prayed. I realized this was God's way of getting me to let go of my plans and follow His. This journey is just beginning for me. I had surgery on July 1 to remove the cancerous tumor and had 20+ lymph nodes tested. Three came back positive, so I will begin chemo treatment on August 13 for the next 20 weeks.

I share all this with you, not for you to feel bad for me, but to invite you to follow this journey with me. For those who know me best, I'm not one to talk a lot about personal things in my life. But now may be the time I change that. My desire is to continue to be an encouragement to those who follow me (I hate that term) on Facebook, Twitter and my blog. Everything else has been set aside and put on hold for this "bump in the road", as my doctor calls it. I will continue to post as often as I can.

Have you ever prayed a dangerous prayer? I'd love to hear your story. Don't be afraid to. Don't settle to just be a spectator of other people's "God only" experiences.

Thanks for joining me on this new adventure! Tonia

Is Your Focus on Feelings?

God's top priority for you is more about chasing holiness than pursuing happiness!!

God desires you to turn the focus from the way you feel to what you should do. Too often, people abandon good work that pleases God - a marriage, a career, a ministry - because they don't feel like doing it anymore. They don't feel like they are in love. They don't feel fulfilled. They don't feel like they are making a difference.

If you tend to act hastily based on the way you feel, it may be time to examine the ways your emotions influence your decision-making. Ask God to arrange your actions today according to His will rather than according to your feelings.

CHALLENGE: Pray that God will give you strength to carry out His purpose in your life, even if you don't feel like doing the tasks required!

Be purpose-FULL in all you do! Tonia

(From:101 Ways to Find God's Purpose For Your Life by Natalie Gillespie)

Many persons have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.  - Helen Keller



 

WHERE are you headed?

If a young whale were to lose its sense of direction, it might end up on the dry, sandy beach.

If migrating flocks of birds were to lose their instinctive sense of direction, they might end up in harsh Alaska instead of sunny Florida.

When people lose their sense of spiritual direction, they often reach a lonely dead end - in their jobs, relationships and families.

My husband and I just returned from a weekend trip to an area of our state that we were unfamiliar with. Half way to our destination my husband realized (and slightly paniced) that he had left his GPS in our other car. He has become quite dependent on this little device to keep him headed in the right direction.Yes, our i-phones would have helped us if we needed, but my stubborness wanted to get to our friend's cabin just fine using old-fashion, hand-written directions - and that we did!

How is your sense of direction? Are you depending on your own map or are you using God's GPS in order to uncover God's purpose for your life? We can spend a lot of time following what we think is the right road and eventually find out it was leading us in a totally different path than what God had planned for us. Ask God to get your life pointed toward Him!

CHALLENGE: Picture yourself navigating an unfamiliar city without maps or directions. Imagine hitting dead end after dead end. Thank God for the direction He gives us and ask Him to lead your ways.

From 101 Ways to Find God's Purpose for Your Life by Natalie Gillespie